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Rules for Living


1. Dickson's gardening rule: when weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

3. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

6. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

7. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "quit while you're ahead"?

8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. (For the engineers: can you prove that mathematically???)

9. Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

10. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. (Or an "old burro" for that matter!)

11. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

13. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

14. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'y' becomes silent.

15. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

16. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. He who hesitates is probably right.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

22. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

23. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

24. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

25. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

26. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

29. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

30. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

31. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

32. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

33. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

34. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

35. A fool and his money are soon partying.

36. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

37. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

38. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

39. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

40. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

41. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

42. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

43. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

44. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

45. Death to all fanatics!

46. Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

47. Chastity is curable, if detected early.

48. Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

50. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

51. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

52. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

53. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

54. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

55. Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

56. Half the people you know are below average.

57. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

58. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

59. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

60. And finally ...If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
definitely isn't for you.


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